EEK!

Not that my life is in anyway like that of Frodo Baggins, but I often like to draw parallels between my life and Lord of the Rings to make my life feel a little more adventurous and philosophically deep. To quote the movie adaptation, “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” I admit this is an extreme view, but with this experience a huge worry is that who at home is going to understand the experiences I have had? I have had hurts and I have had joys that no one has had at home. Who will be there to joke along with me at the dark humor I have developed, who will be able to commiserate at the current state of my job, who will be there when, despite my complaining, I can’t wait to get back? It’s not that I’ve grown up, moved on, or found something better, it is that I have had new experiences that have caused me to uncover something about myself that I didn’t know before, and as a result I have been changed. Like Frodo, I bet he never knew he could carry such an evil for such a long time, and then he never knew the toll it took on him until he got home and saw how he has changed. I guess, my fear, as was Frodo’s, is no longer fitting into the mold of home once you are back. And on top of that, you have to accommodate for what changes have occurred at home.
One part about coming home is that I have to leave my current comfort zone. Yes, believe it or not, Lesotho is now my comfort zone. It is what I know. Now some of my closest friends are here, they have been through what I have been through and they know all my anxieties without having to ask, because they are feeling them too. As a necessity I have built an extended family here, I may not have known them for a tenth of the time I have known some fleeting friends at home, but they are my family and a huge comfort to me. I will have to sever the umbilical cord and venture out from them, and that is scary. They are the people I have inside jokes with, we have ongoing conversations mainly consisting of the gossip of Peace Corps Lesotho, they are the people that have seen me develop here and know what I have gone through here, they have developed with me, they know me as I am now. This is my comfort zone and home now feels almost alien. It is weird to think that way, but it is the truth. As humans we adapt to what cards are dealt to us, and with my hand I had to adapt in quick, intense and extreme ways and I’m not just talking about bucket baths and the fact I have to call it Coke Light instead of Diet Coke. Speaking of socializing with Peace Corps volunteers, they are a different crew to boot. Not only are we all under this high stress situation but we always end up talking about the weirdest stuff. Last time I was in Maseru I had an hour long debate as to what is considered “trashy” guilty pleasures. So not only will I be removed from my current comfortable social situation, but I will have adapted to this one I know in Lesotho, which may or may not translate to current American socialization, not to mention that of St. Libory.
Going along with having to leave my comfort zone, I also will be leaving behind, for a small while anyway, the thrill of living here. I feel like every day I step out of my door there is an activity, that while at home is mundane, here you could actually be risking your life. Something as voluntary as drinking water is risky with the junk they got floating around in it here. A taxi ride, for me is worse than riding a rickety rollercoaster, “are we going to make it up the mountain or roll back down into oncoming traffic?” You never know. And while I generally have to change my pants after such experiences, I am going to miss them, that adrenaline rush, which has since tapered off for me because I think my body ran out of adrenaline or my tolerance is high. And not to mention parties, going to a party, getting to go ‘out’ is a huge excitement for us. I see the majority of my friends once every 2 months, some of my best friends I rarely see so when we get together is a better treat than Dunkin’ Donuts coffee from home. And when there is a party, you have to party hard and ensure a good time because you never know when you will get to do it again. I have never been to a party here where I have not had a good time; I’m not even lying, I am always so happy to get to see people.
But for all of this, I am to blame. I came to Peace Corps to elicit a change within myself. How can you not? A change in views, a change in hair, a change in personality, a change in whatever, it is going to happen. And that was one of the reasons I came. I mean helping the Basotho was on the list of a long list of reasons to come, but I can’t say it was at the top. Experience definitely was though, I wanted to have new experiences and I thought if I could help some folks out while doing it, it seems like a pretty good idea. As with most profound experiences it changes you. Accepting the change may be what the hard part is. Again with the same adage, when coming home it is important to remember it is not home that has changed it is you, both you and the people you are close to have to adapt to that change. I know if I had stayed at home I would probably be going through experiences that are just as significant, possibly a job, moving to a different part of the U.S., I would say marriage but I know even if I was at home that wouldn’t be happening in the two years since I have been gone. Anyways, it is just such a unique experience that I’m afraid I won’t be able to contribute to social activities at home, unless you count dancing, which wherever I go, a dance party will ensue…
All of these worries are just mine for when I come home for a visit in December. From the sound of it you would think I was coming home for good. Nope, just three measly weeks. But I do think this visit is causing anxieties about home to surface, so I mean it is good to have a sort of buffer visit so that I know what I am getting myself into when I am home for good. Anyways, these are my worries, please when I am home make me aware of any unacceptable behavior or comments, I will be completely unaware! So have a wonderful Thanksgiving, eat plenty of pie for me!!! And hopefully I will see you when I am home in 20 days!!!! YEBO!!!